Birthdays have never bothered me. I turned 30 and didn't think a thing about it; 40 was a breeze. But when I reached 50, something shifted. It wasn’t the number itself that unsettled me, but rather a sense of lost purpose and meaning that began to creep in around that time.
I started questioning who I was and how I had been living my life. Were the people I surrounded myself with truly supportive? Were the ways they treated me still working for me? Had I accomplished what I felt I was meant to do, and if not, how could I change that?
Over the last couple of years, these questions have lingered, growing more persistent. As I sit here typing this, I am convinced that what I have been experiencing is a midlife crisis. There are things in life that no one prepares you for. We can discuss hypothetically about being an empty nester, navigating menopause, or dealing with the emotional and physical changes that come with aging. But until you experience them firsthand, it’s impossible to fully grasp their impact.
So what behaviors or actions were pushed forward by my midlife crisis?
1. Examining my Behaviors
I've always been a people pleaser. I knew when to be quiet and not ruffle feathers. I thought it was a great quality to be "low maintenance". Just keep my head down, fall in line and make things easy for those around me. What I've learned is that this behavior makes you invisible. When you base relationships on your willingness to make your needs unimportant you just get a one sided relationship. I had an epiphany of sorts after 50 when I started to realize that when I wasn't reaching out there was no contact happening at all. When I questioned why, I was the problem. When I think about it there is some truth to it. By my actions I had shown them that they were more important than I was. So while it was hurtful at least at that point it was honest. The hardest thing is realizing that none of it even what I would've considered the best times was actually real. It was me, pushing the friendship forward and making it something that it never was. I recently heard Dr. John Delony say this, "Behavior is a language". You need to pay attention to what people are telling you with their behaviors.
2. Looking for More Depth
Quality over quantity. What does it matter if I have a lot of "friends" if they are just surface level? We can know a lot of people but how well do we know those people? In my search for more depth in relationships I began to examine how much I was giving in relationships. I began to limit what I felt comfortable with from a giving stand point. I understand that all relationships ebb and flow. You may give 60% here and then 40% but it's an easy give and take. When you are down or weak the other is there to lift you up and you in turn do the same. I wasn't comfortable pouring into situations where it was never being reciprocated. Do you know those people that you call and as soon as you ask them how they are they proceed to monologue about their life never asking about yours? That's a no relationship for me. Just realizing that we are half way if not more through this life, I don't have time for half in friends. Acquaintances are one thing but not friends. Time being precious you want to save that commodity for those who prioritize your relationship.
3. Prioritizing Experiences
When I was in my early 20's I had a desire to travel. I went to Europe and would fly to visit friends on the opposite coast and I dreamed of all the places I'd go and visit. When we are young we don't anticipate the changes that come with family, children and just life that get in the way of the dreams we had. Oh how I would've loved to have taken my kids to a different country and given them that experience. What has become important to me now is taking the opportunity to go NOW. We don't know what our health will be in 5 years or even tomorrow. Being mindful to choose those experiences now has become important. I think when we don't do something we get complacent and as we age we can get a little fearful. I want to stretch my comfort zone so that I look forward to going somewhere new and am able to enjoy it.
So how do you rediscover your purpose and meaning?
By being curious. Ask the questions, share your feelings and spend time with the ones who encourage you and push you forward. If you don't like where you are make a change. I started a new job at 51 and it was scary. I went to counseling and was able to reorder the way I think as well as get "permission" to set boundaries. It's daily growth and it still stinks some days. I find comfort and encouragement in the word of God and seeking his will in my life but that doesn't mean I don't still struggle.
As I've gotten older it's been easier to feel unimportant or irrelevant. Most of us have been spent half our lives or more keeping the plates spinning. We've been juggling careers, raising children, pouring into our marriage, trying to maintain friendships and the list goes on. When we finally get to the point where we are established and our kids have flown its hard not to notice the silence. I wanted my kids to be independent and self sufficient, but its something you're never truly prepared for. Throw into that hormonal changes and you have a perfect storm of feeling lost. I admit to feeling a little trapped in my circumstances, I'm thankful for my job but its not something I dreamed of doing. I've spent a lot time telling my kids that your job doesn't have to be your passion or your life goal, that you work to live not live to work (I know, gag) and while there is truth to that what's wrong with loving where you spend a majority of your day? According to the statistics I looked up you will spend 1/3 of your life at work or 90,000 hours over the course of you lifetime. There is something to be said for making it somewhere you want to be. I'm refocusing on the things I am interested in and excited about. What do I need to do to get into something that feels purposeful and that I'm excited about? Sometimes the act of researching my options and knowing I have them help me to feel more settled. It will be different for everyone.
I would love to hear how you have navigated changes in your life and how age or circumstances have played into that. Do you have any tips or advice you'd share with others? Lets hear it!
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